2019 was 100 % the best year for me in mostly any aspect, especially from a personal development point of view. It started off in March with me joining the NoFap subreddit, which has helped me a lot in the course of little time.
So, a big part of my NoFap journey during 2019 was me starting to workout and going on a diet (or at least eating less trash food). Over the summer break of 2019, I was leaning more and more towards veganism.
MAIN PARTS:
- WHY?
- VEGANISM – LET’S DO THIS S**T
- THE FALL
- I COULDN’T STOP
- I FAILED
- FALL BREAK
- I’M DEPRESSED
- WHAT HAVE I LEARNED
- CONCLUSION
Why?
First of all, let me just say that I used to be a big hater of not eating meat about 2 years ago, because I come from a Eastern Europe country, so I was raised that we should eat everything, but with restrain (I didn’t listen to anything after “eat everything”). I became more accepting of the plant-based lifestyle by listening to the nice words L.A. personalities that I respected had to say on this topic (e.g. Amanda Cerny, Logan Paul, George Janko, Spencer Taylor). But like anything in life, I decided that the best way to know for sure is to try out for myself, so I did.
VEGANISM – LET’S DO THIS S**T
On the 15th of September 2019, I became vegan for one month. At first it was mostly excitement about this new thing that I’m doing, it got me motivated, I started working out everyday, I filmed the 2 week “An August Lifestyle” mini-series on one of my YT channel – it was a great month overall. I felt more energized, more focused, more motivated, I was less sleepy, I was more organized – it was truly some of the best weeks of my life. Bottom line – it worked for me. Which helped me really visualize my progress was the weight loss – I lost about 8 kilos in one month.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
On the 11th of October I went to Berlin to meet with my sister and mom. It was a great time, because that’s when I truly opened up to my mom for the first time – about the depression I went through in my earlier years, the porn addiction, the diet and how it’s all finally coming together and I am so much better. I probably jinxed it. So, my mom, of course, brought me a bunch of stuff from back home (some non-vegan) and I politely refused the meat or milk or whatever based ones. BUT there was something I had a hard time turning down – red caviar, which I swear was like my first love. The weekend went pretty awesome and I didn’t really crave anything, but on the 13th at 5 am, 30 minutes before I had to go to the airport, it happened – I said “FUCK IT” and ate the whole can of red caviar, because “What’s that gonna do? I guess this is my cheat day now.” So it started – it just went completely downhill from there. First thing I did when I got home – went to McDonald’s for some nuggets. Next day I got a French Tacos… and another one later that week (it includes meat).
I COULDN’T STOP
I bought some chicken breast, because “I am vegan no more”. I bought M&Ms which are not vegan. I was way less energized. I slept more. A bunch of university classes missed, because I overslept. Oversleeping also meant no more morning workouts. By the end of October I stopped working out completely. I got depressed AF.
I FAILED
And I couldn’t admit it. I didn’t want to. That would mean my awesome lifestyle, that high point in my life I got to was lost. I couldn’t do that. I was lost. For my 19th birthday I planned to film this video where I explain my plan for redemption and I biked all day to “film” when I was just trying to escape reality. I got halfway to the top of this mountain near my city and I started to film – I didn’t know what to say. I believe that this was indeed one of the lowest I’ve felt in a long time. Probably not the best birthday I had. That night I cried myself to sleep which was even worse because I had 2 exams the next day. And 3 more later that same week – a very hard exam week indeed.
FALL BREAK
I went to my sister’s. She lives and studies for her master’s degree in the Netherlands currently. I went there and I feel into this dark hole of “The diet starts tomorrow”. So that week long vacation I spent eating 5 Guys, whipped cream, KFC, Skittles, Kit Kats, etc. I’d say on the outside I kept it pretty chill…until I watched Joker. That movie was so powerful and it messed with me. It really fucked with my mind. I just felt like I could really relate to this version of the character a lot and it just made me reflect on my mind and that’s when I realized it:
I’M DEPRESSED
NoFap went out the window. I’m not even going to talk about working out. My diet was complete shit. Uni classes were not in my schedule. I GAINED back practically all of the weight I lost. I was a complete mess. I swear I cried more during the month of November than I did my whole life and the shittiest thing was that the more I tried to pull myself out of this shithole, the more I drowned.
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED
This whole Vegan thing that started out of “I want to lose weight” ended up influencing my life a lot more than I thought. Being Vegan for me was about getting my shit together, it was about discipline. I now know that this lifestyle is my lifestyle, but not for the same reasons that others have chosen to be vegan.
This experiment was something I really needed to ascend to the next level.
CONCLUSION
So was it a disaster? While I can say that it did “waste” me quite some time and caused me some pain and stress, it taught me a lot, especially that I still have a lot of work to do and that to grow you have to fail. So, don’t be afraid to experiment, try out new things and fail from time to time.
It’s like that Montley Crue song goes: “I’m so alive, I don’t know why / I had to crash and burn”
Now I’m here and I’m super excited for what’s to come.
August 